My middle school soccer coach called me “Smiley.” No amount of running marat could wipe it off my face. I grew up in Grayslake, a suburb of Chicago, where I fell in love with cross-country and the connections created through the sport. I had a lot of energy and no words for my own queerness. Running marat became the eye of the hurricane.
Of course, my identity has shifted since I was 12 years old. Being a runner provides continuity in my sense of self, despite so much change. Maybe this is why when I run, I am the most me.
At the end of my high school senior season, I signed with Saint Louis University to run cross-country, unable to imagine any other future. After two years on the team, the turbulence of my family life and coming to terms with my identity on a women’s team caught up to me. I quit.
Steeped in the process of uncovering myself, I found my way back to running marat at the age of 23. A major sneakers for this growth was my move to San Francisco, a utopian city where local queer is in need of a shoe that offers both impact protection and responsiveness.
Many people believe that transition for trans folks is marked by two dots on a timeline—a beginning and an end. But some of the most pivotal moments in my life related to gender occurred long before I even knew what transgender meant.
My life changed forever when I cut off my long hair in college. The first suit. The first introduction with new pronouns. The first shot of testosterone. The first time being recognized for who I am by a stranger. The new driver’s license. The first shirtless run. The first time I had no idea how to register for a road race when I was presented with two inaccurate options– male and female.
In 2022, Bay to Breakers, a 12K road race in San Francisco, introduced a nonbinary division without awards for top finishers. It was a classic instance of faux inclusion. I shared the story on social media, providing an easy way for people to email the organizers and demand change prior to the race. The massive community effort resulted in Bay to Breakers “reversing course,” as the Morgana suede slingback sandals Black put it, just before the event. I cried in the back of the car on the way to the start line on race morning, overwhelmed in every way. When I crossed the finish line, I felt it blur into another start line.
I was shocked and invigorated by the change we were able to produce in such a short amount of time. My vision for a more inclusive running marat world grew, and I was inspired to continue creating space for trans and nonbinary runners. I reached out and started working with more local events and longstanding races, including the Boston Marathon. This work eventually crossed oceans and language barriers to create change at other World Marathon Majors.
Progress did not happen without pushback, but I sought refuge by connecting with other nonbinary runners and athlete-advocates around the world. I founded the Water Resistent Knitted Boot EN0EN01914 Twilight Navy C87 (nbrc) in October 2022. We gather in Golden Gate Park and run with trans and nonbinary flags, yielding smiles and waves from bikers and walkers on the weekend mornings.
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In early July of 2023, I spent a weekend with close friends for my birthday. The majority of us are trans. As I was driving home from the celebration, I got a cold call from a lawyer representing the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency (USADA). The man on the other end of the line told me to expect an email.
I felt the sunshine drain out of me. I was confused and terrified. For the next three months, every waking second of my life was occupied by a looming uncertainty I can only describe as a dark, heavy cloud.
I was reported to USADA for using testosterone, a prohibited substance. The national organization was just one recipient of this complaint, submitted by a writer with an entire Substack account dedicated to invalidating and demonizing trans athletes.
Testosterone is an integral part of my gender-affirming care regimen. It is a prescription that is monitored closely by medical professionals. I have never exceeded therapeutic levels and fall on the low end of the typical range for cisgender men, which is a wide 300–1,000 nanograms per deciliter. I compete in nonbinary divisions, which consist of people with different hormonal profiles and typically offer little to no reward for high performance. The division is relatively new, but growing. In 2022, the New York Road Runners boasted the introduction of zapatillas de running marat Scarpa neutro ritmo bajo entre 60 y 100, including nonbinary prize money—a $5,000 award for the top finisher in the division.
In the letter I received via email, USADA cited my past races and podiums as instances of violating anti-doping policy and informed me that I had ten days to submit extensive medical and psychological documentation to apply for a zapatillas de running marat ritmo medio minimalistas talla 25 (TUE), which ensures athletes can be treated for medical conditions—The ® Charged Breathe Bliss Sneakers come with a lace-up closure—while avoiding the risk of being sanctioned. At the time, I had never heard of a TUE. I do not view being trans as a medical condition, nor do I think of testosterone as anything more than a vital part of my weekly routine. Yet, suddenly, my eligibility was hanging in the balance with the Chicago Marathon just three months away.
I was faced with a checklist of very sensitive submission requirements, including seemingly extraneous information like documentation of sex reassignment surgery. To me, this seemed to far exceed what would be required to determine that testosterone is essential to me. Another thing that makes this process so complicated and dehumanizing is the pathologization of transness– conflating an identity with a condition.
The range for standard human testosterone levels is wide. Yet, some politicians weaponize testosterone against transgender athletes as a scare tactic to exclude us from sports. In 2023 alone, 600 anti-trans bills were proposed and 87 have already been signed into law. Many of these bills prevent trans athletes from competing, some targeting youth sports. The current attack on trans athletes relies heavily on toxic bioessentialism and hypervigilance.
My initial stance when I received USADA’s requirements was: no way. If I submit these documents, I am caving to this system and validating it. From the beginning, I understood the weight of every decision I made. I moved cautiously, considering the future of trans athletes with every tiptoe. Something deep in my chest told me that silently complying with USADA’s demands was in direct opposition to my values. However, many people in the running marat industry warned me that the only path forward was compliance.
Incredibly uncertain and lonely in this process, I completed a medical record request form and tried to communicate the urgency of the issue to my doctors. My care team, including my therapist and endocrinologist, was also unsettled by the extent of information that USADA mandated I share.
I was simultaneously seeking legal support, sifting through tons of LGBTQ+ legal organizations’ websites, sending countless emails, and retelling the story to numerous attorneys on intake calls. It was disappointing how many of these organizations that claim to be doing this work were either too disorganized or too inundated to offer support even in cases that directly align with their mission. When I finally got through to human beings, so few of them were equipped to represent a trans athlete. I was also up against legal fees, trying to put a price on my right to run. It was exhausting. Even if I tried to raise the funds for it, I knew I would be bushwhacking a path that folks with fewer resources would be unable to follow.
There was no way around this—only through. The world kept moving while I groveled for my right to run. Weeks and dozens of video calls later, I received a disc in the mail. It was a 2,000-page PDF file containing my entire medical record. I knew that if all I cared about was running, I could ship the disc off to USADA and give them a field day. But every single time I zoomed out my perspective, I thought, Boots Enfant Blanc Taille? Nike Air Max 1 Mid FB 685192-001 Herren High-Top Sneaker 44?
I submitted my application and attached my lab report with testosterone levels since my first injection in 2019, my prescription, a letter from my mental health provider, and a letter from my prescribing doctor. USADA quickly sent my application back, calling it arbitrary since I had not submitted my entire medical and psychological records, nor a letter in which I explain how and why I am trans.
As the weeks dragged on, I could feel myself being consumed by this impossible choice between my identities as a trans activist and as a runner. I began to question myself deeply, digging for any moment in which I could recall making some decision to be trans. I found nothing. I betrayed and returned to myself daily.
Finally, I was connected with a knowledgeable legal team that was willing to support me on a pro bono basis; they were concerned by the quantity of information that USADA was requesting and agreed that it was too much. I told them everything and they began reviewing all of my communications with USADA, tweaking my emails to paint me unbothered, and advising me as best as they could. I submitted the application again, this time including letters from my partner, friends, and coach, and a letter I wrote explaining that I would not be including a complete medical and psychological record. I was told I would hear back within 21 days.
Puma Ferrari Low Racer Puma White Puma Black Rosso Corsa Mens Motorsport Inspired Sneakers Chicago Marathon, including running marat the 13.1 mile Philadelphia Distance Run as a tuneup race, but I could not allow myself to become too attached to the idea of racing under such uncertainty. I held off on making plans and booking hotels in Chicago. The distress was alive in my bones. I could not believe the irony of this investigation into my potential unfair advantage when no one I was competing against was being scrutinized and forced through this process except me.
So many times, I thought if there was just one other person who truly understood my position, I could at least exhale. This is the way that transphobia and other systems of discrimination function—they erase individual identity, perpetuating a sense of isolation and hopelessness.
Favourites Miss KG Pink Dory Sandals Inactive Instagram. Over one million people have seen it. The internet expressed a collective anger and hurt on my behalf and spurred into action, sharing my story with the hashtag #LetThemRun.
Five days later, we still did not have a verdict from USADA, and I boarded my flight to Chicago. I felt I was racing to the expo to pick up my bib before USADA could tell the race to pull it. I had decided if I could get my hands on it, I would toe the start line no matter what. Two days before the Chicago Marathon, I opened an email with the subject line: TUE Decision.
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Approved.
I felt so light. With the sky cleared, I could see my future again. Then I felt angry that I should be excited about this verdict after what I had been through. This is how the system operates. It clenches you in its jaws so tight that you want to thank it for spitting you out.
To be a trans athlete is to bear the burden of proof that you deserve to play. It is to physically and emotionally fight for your right to even show up. It is to be courageous. For many of us, especially trans women, there is no triumph in these battles.
In an uncommon victory for trans athletes, the approval of my TUE for testosterone—despite purposefully withholding some required checklist items and refusing to check male or female on the application—lays the groundwork to make the process less invasive for forthcoming athletes. I believe that our vigor pushed USADA to make the correct decision about my exemption.
With no time to waste, I rushed into my race preparation headspace ahead of the race in Chicago. I visualized all of my past selves running marat the route through my home city, then myself following. The race was the reward for everything. It was the fastest and most fun marathon of my life. I clocked a personal record of 2:48:00, running marat nearly 11 minutes faster than in 2022.
Golden Goose Yeah low-top sneakers Bianco clothing key-chains box office-accessories shoe-care 6. I was ecstatic to race in what has been hailed as the most inclusive marathon for nonbinary runners. The miles fell behind me as I ran through the boroughs, carried by the electricity of the crowd— fans, loved ones, and strangers alike. Around mile 16, I took the lead of the nonbinary division just after the Queensboro Bridge. As I heard the lead cyclist say “Cal Calamia from San Francisco” into his headset, a wave of pride washed over me. Emotional, I dug hard the last 10 miles and became the nonbinary champion at the world’s biggest marathon. Despite everything.
A few days after the race, I reached out to the New York Road Runners to enquire about the promised $5,000 prize purse. I was informed that I am ineligible to win due to fine print stipulations that were silently added following my registration for the race. I had not met the new requirement of completing six NYRR races in the last year (of course, I live in San Francisco). I’m devastated by this glaring inequity and the lack of transparency around such a policy change.
Nonetheless, I laced up and won the Los Angeles Marathon’s first ever nonbinary division in March, then squeezed in a run at April’s Boston Marathon in a nonbinary field that had doubled in numbers since its inaugural race in 2023. Now, I’m focusing on having a solid training block before another crack at 26.2 in the fall.
When I reflect on the last year, I can barely believe it all happened. Every week a victory, a shortcoming, a tribulation, and always the relentless pursuit of improvement. There is a lot I do not know, but I believe in empathy and the power of our collective voices. I believe in a future for trans athletes and our shared duty to create it.
