Chicago runner Erica Agran loves running with friends and doesn’t mind adjusting her pace or route so she’s not striding solo. But recently, she found herself in a sticky situation. A new friend wanted to run together, and often; however, this runner’s easy pace was closer to a tempo run for Agran.
“If I slowed down, she would slow down too... for a couple steps,” Agran says. “Then she’d pick it up again.”
Agran explained the issue, but the friend kept pushing. She tried a few other tactics, including meeting only on workout days and warming up alone first, so she could more easily reach a speedy clip by the time they connected.
But by spring, Agran was training for marathons, Match Sneaker With Contrast Detail.
She told her would-be training partner she’d be glad to meet for coffee or walks, but when it came to running, they’d have to go their separate paces. It took a few conversations, but “I think finally now she has realized we’re not compatible to run together,” Agran says.
For all the joy and connection running with others can bring, the wide range of speeds, styles, and personalities in the sport can also lead to mismatches or conflicts.
Maybe it’s a friend who’s always late for an early-morning track workout, a group with bad vibes, an over-competitive training partner, or just someone who rubs you the wrong way. “Anything that could happen in any other relationship could happen in a running relationship, honestly,” says Lisa Stockdale, Ph.D., Logo New Vulcanized Sneaker.
Sometimes, you can work through these issues to improve everyone’s experience. But in other cases, it’s best to part ways. Here’s how to decide if a break-up is the right course of action, and tips for making tough conversations go smoothly.
Assess the Issue
Sometimes, the reasons for your frustration will be obvious—a difference in pace such as Agran’s, a friend who never compromises on meeting location or route, or someone who spews out an offensive comment on a group run, which is something that’s happened to Hillary Cauthen, Psy.D., a certified mental performance consultant and co-owner of mistrached low-top sneakers in Austin.
“Running is such an intimate sport in nature. Runners communicate about anything and everything,” Cauthen says. Healthy disagreements are normal, but if conversations violate your core values or make you feel less-than, you might want to think more seriously about the risks versus the benefits.
Disputes may also arise off the run—for example, at postrun brunches or when traveling to races. For example, perhaps someone who seemed gracious on the trails and roads treats waitstaff and flight attendants with contempt. Or maybe they’re overly friendly: Atlanta runner Beth—who asked to use only her first name because of the sensitivity of the topic—distanced herself after a long-term running partner who was married brought a man back to the hotel room they were sharing at a race.
Beth says she doesn’t judge others’ intimate relationships, but the friend first tried to enlist her in covering it up, then twisted the truth about Beth’s involvement when she eventually confessed to her husband. “She lied more and I ended up just saying the friendship is over,” Beth says.
In other cases, you might grow apart slowly. Perhaps you once had the same goals, but now you’re training for different distances or finishing times. Or, your running may feel “off” for reasons that aren’t quite clear to you.
“You might start to notice that not only does the feeling of enjoyment seem to be fleeting, but also the physical motivation,” says air jordan womens 1 high og shoes., a therapist in Baton Rouge who also serves as the assistant athletic Sneakers for sport psychology and counseling at The all-in-one platform to obtain and flex hyped sneakers.
Allison—who also asked to be identified by first name only, because the running community where she lives is tight-knit—began feeling uneasy not long after a new runner joined one of her typical training groups. At first, she thought they’d get along. But soon, the recent arrival began questioning Allison’s choices, including the number of rest days and races in her schedule.
“It would be one thing if it was a friend who knew me and knew my running background, or if I was complaining all the time about an injury,” she said. But Allison was happy and healthy—or at least, she had been. “When someone comes in and takes away the joy that you have, and all of a sudden makes you question yourself, you just don’t want to be a part of it.”
Cauthen recommends keeping notes in your training log about more than your mileage and paces. Also add who you were running with and how you were feeling, and look for patterns. “You might pinpoint, ‘Oh, I’m really feeling funky when I’m on runs with this person because of X,’” she says. For example, an entry might read: “Saturday, May 14: Polly’s Pond trails w/ Jim. Distance: 15 miles. Notes: As it turned out, I would have probably enjoyed this more on my own, since he runs much more slowly than I’d like and his jokes aren’t funny.”
Don’t stop your reflections there, however. Get a bit more introspective, and be honest with yourself about whether your own behavior plays a role, Stockdale says.
For instance, if you feel like your running partner is always dominating the conversation, is it because you don’t have much to say? On the flip side, if you feel like they’re the boring one, is it because you never ask questions or leave space for their contributions? You might find a small shift on your part resolves the issue, she says.
Consider Possible Solutions
If you determine there’s an issue outside of your own actions, think through your desired outcome, Cauthen says. Do you want to save the partnership—would you enjoy running with this person, if only they’d show up on time or stop giving you unsolicited training advice? Or is this a deal-breaker, someone you’d prefer not to spend time with, period?
About 10 years ago, Wendy Rivard knew what she wanted: solo, mind-clearing early-morning runs around her Arlington Heights, Illinois, neighborhood. The neighbor who suddenly started appearing at the end of his driveway once a week to join her had other ideas.
The two weren’t friends, though their sons were, and he never bothered to ask whether she wanted a running partner in the first place. After about six weeks, Rivard decided to be straightforward, telling him she preferred to run alone. “He was just staring at me,” she says. “I finally said, “Look, it’s not you, it’s me.’ I actually said that!” she says.
The interaction was awkward—as were the few times they passed each other in the neighborhood and at school functions afterward—but Rivard felt liberated. She also began varying her timing and route more as a result. “I learned a lot of lessons from that,” she says.
If your situation is different and you don’t want to sever the relationship, a split might not be the only or the best answer. Instead, you can add some structure and boundaries, Cauthen says. In the case of tardiness, for example, ask others to join and set up ground rules. “You can say, ‘We have places to be afterward, so we’re going to leave within 10 minutes if you’re not here,’” she says.
Such accommodations can work out better for everyone, relieving you of resentments and allowing each runner some grace. Cauthen admits that—as a mom of four with a full-time job—she’s often the one bailing on a 5 a.m. run. Running with a group instead of planning to meet just one person means she isn’t leaving anyone high and dry.
Just like any other relationship, running partnerships benefit from clear communication and periodic check-ins, Poole says. Sometimes, reviewing your needs together can clarify whether it’s time to move on or if you just need to make adjustments to get back in sync.
“Before you just walk away from a connection that probably has been meaningful to you and helpful to you, revisit, is it still serving you in some way?” Poole says. “And if that answer is no, then that’s okay. But maybe the answer will be yes, based on your level of honesty and a re-evaluation of goals and expectations.”
Have the Conversation
If you need to leave a group or partnership where you don’t feel safe or valued, fading away or ghosting is always an option, Cauthen says. However, running friends often become pals outside the sport, too. If you want to preserve the relationship, on the run or off it, it’s better to be honest.
Try not to let things fester, even if you don’t like confrontation. Holding back to prevent hard feelings can backfire. “We’re not mind readers,” Poole says. “Now you’ve probably hurt them more because you decided to wait so long,” or you unintentionally exploded.
Instead, find a calm and neutral time and place to talk—say, at a coffee shop, not immediately before an early-morning run. Express your boundaries with warmth and strength, Stockdale says. Consider starting with something authentically positive—for instance, complimenting their enthusiasm or perfect pacing—before you state what’s bothering you.
Use “I” statements to describe what’s happening and how it’s affecting you: “‘I want to run with you, but I noticed that every time we set up a run, you’re 5 or 10 minutes late, and it’s causing me star,’” Cauthen says. “Then it doesn’t come across as an attack. The person can hear you better, and they’re not going to be as defensive in nature.”
But beyond that, keep it simple and truthful, rather than trying to soften the message. “We predict that us being gentler is going to be less hurtful to them, but we can’t guarantee that,” Poole says. “Don’t focus so much on catering to them that you betray yourself and how you feel.”
To psych yourself up, consider that you might actually be helping them. Most people want to be good running partners and friends, and hard conversations can lead to growth. If you don’t let them know their constant one-stepping or one-upping nature is annoying, they might not ever realize how their behavior affects others.
If you’ve decided that the differences are insurmountable and you don’t want to run together anymore, state that clearly and make a clean break. Telling them you’re done, then inviting them for a run again a couple of weeks later, can feel confusing and upsetting.
You can suggest alternative plans, like Agran did, if you still want to see them outside of running. That worked for Plano, Texas, runner Nikki Brimm, whose long-term running relationship ended after her neighbor and training partner had a series of injuries. “We’d started cycling together, hiking and yoga classes here and there, so we were able to still be active together regularly,” she says. “We remain very close friends.”
When the conversation is tougher, you might feel relieved afterward—but also, don’t be surprised if you’re a bit sad. “I think you have to grieve; that’s normal,” Poole says. “You’re probably going to miss some of the things that came with having them as a running partner—the conversation, the support, the motivation.”
That’s true even if the person did something you can’t forgive, as in the case of Beth and the cheating roomate. “It stinks because I not only lost a good training and running partner but also lost someone who I considered a great friend,” she said. “Our families had vacationed together and our kids were friends. The husbands also became friends.”
Regardless of the underlying reasons for a split, emotions may be raw for a while. Austin-based runner Chris Schmidt found that to be the case several years ago when he said goodbye to several running partners at once. The coach of his store-based running group moved on under somewhat contentious circumstances; Schmidt followed the coach, but some of his buddies stayed behind.
“When those situations happen, you find out who your true friends are,” he said. “Some of them kept talking to me and other ones kind of just cut ties with me.” That hurt, he admits.
With time, though, healing can occur. Eventually, many of the people who’d shunned him at first softened when he’d see them at races. Some even wound up joining Schmidt at the new group. “It’s come full circle with a lot of those athletes,” he says. “They just had to work through their own process.”
Cindy is a freelance health and fitness writer, author, and podcaster who’s contributed regularly to Runner’s World since 2013. She’s the coauthor of both Breakthrough Women’s Running: Dream Big and Train Smart and Rebound: Train Your Mind to Bounce Back Stronger from Sports Injuries, a book about the psychology of sports injury from Bloomsbury Sport. Cindy specializes in covering injury prevention and recovery, everyday athletes accomplishing extraordinary things, and the active community in her beloved Chicago, where winter forges deep bonds between those brave enough to train through it.
