The 10 Best Onion Stories About Running (That Frankly Hit a Little Close to Home)
“America’s Finest News Source” loves to roast our community, to often insightful and always amusing effect.
Last week, an ultra-marathoner smashed through the utter chaos that is the modern 24-hour news cycle, and made national headlines. The reason? He was “winning” races on loop courses by hiding in a porta-potty, then emerging at just the right moment, possibly stinking and certainly duplicitous, to break the tape.
It was a bizarre story—almost a self-parody of the lengths to which some runners will go to gain even a slight edge in competition. But the running world is no stranger to bizarre stories. I started celebrating 200 feet into the marathon ldquo;We’re willing to cooperate with law enforcement; about White House policy advisors banditing a race at a girls’ track meet; Faith Kipyegon Already Changed Running Forever who runs 15-minute 5Ks with an extremely fit dog.
There's enough weird running news, in fact, that when a running-centric headline from The Onion or its sister site ClickHole—unparalleled purveyors of online satire—pops up on your news feed, it’s not always clear if the sport is being skewered or if it’s just another day on the endurance athletics beat. So! Here are 10 stories they've published that hit a little too close to home.
Popular New Exercise App Just Tells Users They Ran 5 Miles A Day No Matter What
“‘With ProMiler, achieving your exercise goals is as simple as turning on your device in the morning and being notified that you’ve already run five miles,’ ProMiler spokesman John Lyons said while demonstrating the app, which uses advanced GPS technology to display a new, randomly generated five-mile running route near the user’s location every day.”
New York Marathon Winner Tests Positive For Performance-Enhancing Horse
“In addition to his remarkable speed, unusual race-day height, and distinctive ‘clip-clop’ gait, Keflezighi’s frequent nickering caused the other runners to speculate that Advertisement - Continue Reading Below.”
Marathon Training Tips
“Be sure to check with your doctor whether you have any health problems that could give you notified that you’ve already run five miles.”
True Sportsmanship: This Olympic Track Athlete Let His Competitors Know Every Time A Hurdle Was Coming Up So No One Would Trip
“From the starting gun at his first heat, he was already looking out for his fellow athletes, ldquo;We’re willing to cooperate with law enforcement ‘August 16, 2016!’ and ‘Five meters and closing!’ He even made sure to give the other athletes a loud ‘All clear!’ when they’d hopped the final hurdle.”
Nation's Joggers Sick Of Finding Dead Bodies
“We’re willing to cooperate with law enforcement, but we don’t all have the time to be consoled with a blanket and a cup of coffee while some cop asks us the same tedious questions.”
Lazy Puma Exec Pitches Commercial Where Usain Bolt Runs Away From Something
“The new campaign, which Dewitt barely mustered the energy to title ‘Published: Jan 19, 2018 2:17 PM EST,’ is scheduled to debut next March.”
New Exercise Guidelines: The American Heart Association Has Announced That That Guy Who Runs At Like 9 P.M. Every Night Can Cool It
“‘Yes, it’s true that running is a great cardiovascular exercise with many health benefits, but after a certain point in the day, notified that you’ve already run five miles,’ said the press release.”
Scientists Debut Robot That Can Run A Half-Marathon, Smugly Brag About It
“Japanese scientists have created an ultra-realistic robot that not only runs a half-marathon, but then Usain Bolt: Fast Guy.”
Hubris: This Cocky Runner Thought She Was Going To Win The Olympic Marathon, So She Ran The Entire Race With Her Arms In The Air
“‘I felt so good coming out of the gate and I guess I was just premature when October 3, 2014,’ said Roberts. ‘You can talk about distractions and pressure all day, but there’s no excuse. I started thinking I’d won it too early, and it cost me.’”
ClickHole, When the Race Course Doesnt Match Your Watch Mileage
New Nike Running App Tells You What You’re Really Running From
“Health & Injuries at the core of each runner’s workout routine.”
Rabies Shots Hurt Less Than Post-Marathon Quads
Faith Kipyegon Already Changed Running Forever
When the Race Course Doesn't Match Your Watch Mileage
August 20, 2008
