Guy Who Knows Nothing About Sneakers Savagely Ranks All 33 Air Jordans From Worst to First

Straight up disrespect 🤣

CBS Sports journalist Pete Blackburn has just made my day.

Although he knows practically nothing about Air Jordans, he’s taken it upon himself to rank all 33 models from worst to first, absolutely oblivious to each sneaker’s significance or popularity in the market. Blackburn says that not knowing about a topic has never stopped him from discussing it with total authority, and that’s it’s not about to change.

Mario Lopez sitting courtside at the Lakers game while wearing the Air Jordan Fusion 3.

Nike Air Jordan Retro I 1 High Og Td Pollen Black Toddle sneaker’s 33rd edition, más Air Jordan.

So here it is, a non-sneakerheads definitive, non-informed ranking of every single Air Jordan ever made.

Jordan is a winning mentality.

Dai-Jon Parker receives a pass in the Air Jordan 9 Black White-Red

33. Air Jordan XVI (2001)

Cool Batman suit; where’s the rest of it?

32. Air Jordan XV (1999)

Air Jordan 6 Carmine Retro 2014.

31. Air Jordan XIX (2004)

What the hell is that design in the front? Is that a fencing mask? A bluetooth speaker? Will it strain my pasta? I need answers.

30. Air Jordan XIV (1998)

I can only assume this sneaker is worn exclusively by people who have motorcycle jackets but no motorcycle.

29. Air Jordan 2010 (2010)

The first-ever sneaker that you can speak into and order fast food.

28. Air Jordan XXI (2006)

Air Jordan 1 365.

Air Jordan XX3 White Stealth-Gold | 27. Air Jordan XIII (1997)

Maybe it’s just me but I can’t not see a crocodile’s face when I look at this. I’m honestly not sure if that’s good or bad.

Air Jordan XX3 White Stealth-Gold | 26. Air Jordan 2009 (2009)

I just can’t get past the green thing on this one. It looks like the indicator that hovers over selected characters in “The Sims.” This is a Sims shoe.

25. Air Jordan XX3 (2008)

Air Jordan XX9 Oregon Ducks PE.

24. Air Jordan XXX (2016)

This thing is straight out of a “Black Mirror” episode and I hate it so much.

23. Air Jordan XVII (2002)

OK, just kidding — THIS thing is straight out of a “Black Mirror” episode and I hate it so much.

22. Air Jordan XVIII (2003)

This shoe is a kid who goes to parties but just does weird stuff by himself in the corner. Everyone else is having a good time and he’s trying to cast spells and crap.

21. Air Jordan X (1994)

All these vertical lines remind me of that arcade game where you have to shoot the clown’s teeth out.

20. Air Jordan XX8 (2013)

Listen, I have enough trouble remembering to zip up my fly as it is. I don’t need to have to remember to zip up my shoes too.

19. Air Jordan XII (1996)

This one is so boring that I can’t even think of a clever way to roast it.

18. Air Jordan XX2 (2007)

Jordan Air Jordan 5 Low sneakers Nero.

17. Air Jordan II (1986)

The design of the black part at the bottom makes it seem like this sneaker is trying so hard to be a dress shoe, which it is clearly not. Just be yourself, man.

16. Air Jordan IX (1993)

I’m finding it hard to care about this shoe.

15. Air Jordan III (1988)

I feel like this could be a really nice-looking shoe if it wasn’t wearing bondage straps.

14. Air Jordan XX9 (2014)

This one is neat because they scaled the logo to match your mom’s iPhone font size.

Stay tuned for Jordan Brands rollout of an entire campaign around the

13. Air Jordan XX (2005)

Dai-Jon Parker receives a pass in the Air Jordan 9 Black White-Red?

12. Air Jordan 2011 (2011)

This shoe got the stone man disease from “Game of Thrones.” RIP.

11. Air Jordan V (1990)

Congrats on being the only pair of Jordans with a flame decal that was ripped off a minivan.

10. Air Jordan XXX1 (2016)

The perfect shoe for any nerd who can’t decide between Spider-Man and Venom.

Gio Gonzalez instructing a camper in the Air Jordan 11 Concord

9. Air Jordan VI (1991)

This sneaker feels like it probably has a much hotter twin sibling. Like, it’s not bad looking, but you can only see it as the worse-looking version of something else

Air Jordan 1 Retro KO High "Chicago" Arriving to Retailers

8. Air Jordan I (1985)

Air Jordan Spizike BHM bboylaspin.

7. Air Jordan 2012 (2012)

Jordan Brand continues the series of.

6. Air Jordan XXXII (2017)

Air Jordan Women's OG Revealed in Black and White.

5. Air Jordan IV (1989)

I feel like this one actually might be a Transformer in disguise but it’s hot regardless.

4. Air Jordan XXX3 (2018)

If you took the sensuality of a saxophone and turned it into a sneaker, this would be what it looked like.

3. Air Jordan XI (1995)

Obviously, I have no idea what a classic pair of Jordans looks like, but I feel like this is probably a classic pair of Jordans.

2. Air Jordan VII (1992)

I may not know anything about Jordans but I know a lot about the 90s, and these were most certainly made in the 90s. That is most certainly a compliment.